Everyday we learn, we grow.
Every time we forgive, we love.
A universal truth is our tendency to hang on to our past; to memories both good & bad. We miss the times we have had, but we forget to savour the time passing us now. What is reality is here and now. And yet, we cling on to our past as if our life depended on it. We clutch on to all that emotional baggage, forgetting that the trip is less tiresome when we travel light ( being of the female species, I do empathise with fellow women travellers...in reality & meta morphologically...we do love our designer luggage, emotions included!).
We literally apply the blanket theory to every past fear, insecurity & experience we have, smothering security we share today.
I love quilted blankets made from little bits & pieces that would otherwise have got discarded. The end result is a beautiful piece of work, in complete harmony, that we snuggle into at the end of a long day. Life is like a quilt; made from a whole lot of different pieces, stitched in place by many hands, taking a long time to create. And this is our security blanket, our cocoon. Then like a seamstress who has lost her sense of pattern, we start to weave in ugly stuff; stuff from old patterns that, for this quilt are just unco-ordinated pieces that don't fit. We hope to improve the pattern, but basically end up screwing it up more and more. I think at some stage we misinterpret what is supposed to be our security blanket & then very systematically throttle every thing today with it.....slowly, with agonising precision.
Its not others who let us down. We are our own worst enemy. We fail ourselves by not letting go of the realities of yesterday.
If I live, it must be here & now,
If I think, it should be free from past thoughts,
If i experience, let it be the pleasure of newer ones,
If i love, let it be for this reality......
....... & not for the "ghosts of christmas' past".
Friday, August 22, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Helping Hands
Everyone needs a little help sometimes....We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
I loved this photograph that I found quite by accident.
It epitomises the fact that, sometimes we need a hand up, sometimes we need a little back-up, sometimes we need a little nudge in the right direction......& sometimes we need someone to stand back & let us find our own way.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Pitter Patter, clatter all around....the sounds of everything around....some familiar, some a little strange. Picking up the pieces of life one at a time.... broken yet not crushed. I choose not to glue them back and build the cracked plate or proverbial glass.
I choose to build a kaleidoscope...like the one we built as children with broken bangles and mirrors. The colours, the changing images, the effort, the joy. Once a school science project, now a project for life.
I don't see pieces, I see an everchanging, evolving colourful mosaic.
I choose to build a kaleidoscope...like the one we built as children with broken bangles and mirrors. The colours, the changing images, the effort, the joy. Once a school science project, now a project for life.
I don't see pieces, I see an everchanging, evolving colourful mosaic.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tug-O-War
Wy does any relationship have to be such a tug-of-war? At times it's actually so obvious that everyone involved in the relationship wants to be the one who holds out the longest. It's been a rough week. It's had so many changes that my head is still spinning. The only constant seems to be the surety of a downhill slide.
I have never been too patient with relationships. I never seemed to have the time to just pause and take a rain-check on every hurtful word I said or spiteful deed i did. So this time I decided to surprise myself and let myself be patient. I decided to be understanding and mature..... not qualities even my mom would attribute her spoilt brat with!
But the more patient I was, the more suffocating the relationship became. The more demanding it was. Till finally, I just stepped back. I decided this is where I draw the line. It hurt like hell. It felt like i was making this huge mistake. I felt so guilty and bitchy for taking a stand.
And then surprise, surprise, .....the tables were turned. The bully became the groveller. And me I just preened at how it was my time now to be the demanding one. As my elation settled, i actually realised that I was in fact glad to experience the grovelling and the begging & the promises-made-that-will-be-broken-eventually. I started feeling this perverse sense of pleasure in being difficult, in holding the higher ground. And boy, is the view magnificent!!! Power is very much intoxicating. the power to manipulate someone, the power to see them beg, the power to know that you hold the key to someones heart. Now I was the winner in the tug-of-war.
But what a sad win it is. I am not happy because it made me guilty of becoming that very person i would cry about. I stand in those shoes today that looked so comfortable when someone else was wearing them. And today, I limp with a shoe-bite with every step!
I have never been too patient with relationships. I never seemed to have the time to just pause and take a rain-check on every hurtful word I said or spiteful deed i did. So this time I decided to surprise myself and let myself be patient. I decided to be understanding and mature..... not qualities even my mom would attribute her spoilt brat with!
But the more patient I was, the more suffocating the relationship became. The more demanding it was. Till finally, I just stepped back. I decided this is where I draw the line. It hurt like hell. It felt like i was making this huge mistake. I felt so guilty and bitchy for taking a stand.
And then surprise, surprise, .....the tables were turned. The bully became the groveller. And me I just preened at how it was my time now to be the demanding one. As my elation settled, i actually realised that I was in fact glad to experience the grovelling and the begging & the promises-made-that-will-be-broken-eventually. I started feeling this perverse sense of pleasure in being difficult, in holding the higher ground. And boy, is the view magnificent!!! Power is very much intoxicating. the power to manipulate someone, the power to see them beg, the power to know that you hold the key to someones heart. Now I was the winner in the tug-of-war.
But what a sad win it is. I am not happy because it made me guilty of becoming that very person i would cry about. I stand in those shoes today that looked so comfortable when someone else was wearing them. And today, I limp with a shoe-bite with every step!
Friday, June 27, 2008
And I'm back!
It's been so long since i've posted anything. Not much to say I guess.
Work has reached that trough where all u wanna do is ride out the wave on ur back, till u hit the shore. Strange wordings, I know. But hey, its, 9.00 am on a friday morning, the one day where I get to sleep in late. Only thing is; I didn't.
Sleeping beauty, is the loving but obviously sarcastic nick-name my dad knighted me with, eons ago. Oh, how I would grumble when asked to wake up on a week-end! All i would want is to bury myself deep in the comforter and snooze the day away.
Alas, every friday now is spent wide awake by 7 or 8 A.M either chatting with Mirchi (don't ask!) or trying real hard to pretend that i have all day to "enjoy" myself!
So here I am, craving for my coffee wondering how I can make time stop for just a little while. And as i write further, i understand the frustration of my friends when speaking with me. They accuse me (full desi ishtyle) of having so many thoughts at so many different planes that eventually none of us remember the original thought! So very much like having a dosmestic fight!!.......and to quote Brittany Spears; "Oops, i did it again"!
Is there any point to what I have written? yes there is..... my coffee is ready and I am wide awake. Decisions, decisions, decisions.....now the plan of action for today! Gym? shopping? Movie? Laundry day? With so much going, its no wonder i am turning into an insomniac! When did I grow so old? OH MY GOD, I sound like my mother 20 years ago! Now that, will definitely give me nightmares if i try and head back to bed.
So while I decide what sane, coherent idea i can put down for my next blog, this is all there is for now....random thoughts!
Work has reached that trough where all u wanna do is ride out the wave on ur back, till u hit the shore. Strange wordings, I know. But hey, its, 9.00 am on a friday morning, the one day where I get to sleep in late. Only thing is; I didn't.
Sleeping beauty, is the loving but obviously sarcastic nick-name my dad knighted me with, eons ago. Oh, how I would grumble when asked to wake up on a week-end! All i would want is to bury myself deep in the comforter and snooze the day away.
Alas, every friday now is spent wide awake by 7 or 8 A.M either chatting with Mirchi (don't ask!) or trying real hard to pretend that i have all day to "enjoy" myself!
So here I am, craving for my coffee wondering how I can make time stop for just a little while. And as i write further, i understand the frustration of my friends when speaking with me. They accuse me (full desi ishtyle) of having so many thoughts at so many different planes that eventually none of us remember the original thought! So very much like having a dosmestic fight!!.......and to quote Brittany Spears; "Oops, i did it again"!
Is there any point to what I have written? yes there is..... my coffee is ready and I am wide awake. Decisions, decisions, decisions.....now the plan of action for today! Gym? shopping? Movie? Laundry day? With so much going, its no wonder i am turning into an insomniac! When did I grow so old? OH MY GOD, I sound like my mother 20 years ago! Now that, will definitely give me nightmares if i try and head back to bed.
So while I decide what sane, coherent idea i can put down for my next blog, this is all there is for now....random thoughts!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Writer's Block
Haven't written anything for days. Is it a writer's block that I have stumbled upon or is it just unwillingness to let my thoughts out?
Somedays seem to pass in a haze and somedays the mind is so sharp that I don't feel like a retard!! Today is one of those days where I feel that this is not my life. Whose life am I living? It wasn't ment to be this way. Am I loosing my mind or have I resigned myself to "go with the flow". I read somewhere that only dead fish move with the water downstream. I certainly don't like labelling myself as a fish :-)), but then I don't feel so alive either.
I miss the drive to do multiple things at the same time. I miss the adrenaline rush of living.
The need for approval is so great that i seem to have forgotten that the approval comes when one shows that passion for something. The convoluted thought is why bother when no one will appreciate it. I hate the way I am today, but I am revelling in wallowing in self-pity. Pathetic!
And, tomorrow is another day. Maybe tomorrow I shall swing to the other side of the spectrum. Aah, the hope in the self-pity. Bipolar disorder??....... or just another ordinary life.
Somedays seem to pass in a haze and somedays the mind is so sharp that I don't feel like a retard!! Today is one of those days where I feel that this is not my life. Whose life am I living? It wasn't ment to be this way. Am I loosing my mind or have I resigned myself to "go with the flow". I read somewhere that only dead fish move with the water downstream. I certainly don't like labelling myself as a fish :-)), but then I don't feel so alive either.
I miss the drive to do multiple things at the same time. I miss the adrenaline rush of living.
The need for approval is so great that i seem to have forgotten that the approval comes when one shows that passion for something. The convoluted thought is why bother when no one will appreciate it. I hate the way I am today, but I am revelling in wallowing in self-pity. Pathetic!
And, tomorrow is another day. Maybe tomorrow I shall swing to the other side of the spectrum. Aah, the hope in the self-pity. Bipolar disorder??....... or just another ordinary life.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Quarter Life Crisis
I read this wonderful passage on the internet. It was like someone had read my mind and my fears and dreams and put them down on paper. So, i immediately mailed the passage to some of my friends and relatives. I wanted them to know what i am going through these days. I wanted them to have a glimpse of all that I felt and then some more. I think this passage deserves to be read time and again to remind us that we are not alone; that there are other lost souls and crushed spirits out there; People looking to find an answer that doesn't really exist. That its ok to be lost...
"Quarter-life Crisis"
"It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life; You feel alone and scared and confused; Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better; All this while you had been convincing yourself that you didn't want to be tied down to any person; Now suddenly you have moments of self-doubt when you wonder if you waited too long and let someone special get away. You love someone but maybe love someone else too, and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person! Random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic; You want to be independent but suddenly, the idea of having the stability of a special someone to trust and lean on doesn't seem all that bad. You want to be your own person and yet be taken care of at the same time.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. "
"Quarter-life Crisis"
"It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life; You feel alone and scared and confused; Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better; All this while you had been convincing yourself that you didn't want to be tied down to any person; Now suddenly you have moments of self-doubt when you wonder if you waited too long and let someone special get away. You love someone but maybe love someone else too, and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person! Random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic; You want to be independent but suddenly, the idea of having the stability of a special someone to trust and lean on doesn't seem all that bad. You want to be your own person and yet be taken care of at the same time.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. "
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Another week
It is the start of another week of work for me. And it seems to stretch out in front of me. How the weeks seem to pass by when u are having fun. but when work is drudgery, all u look forward to is the week-end. Can't wait for the weekend!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Cliche'd Quotes
I love quotes- so sue me! I can't help it. I am one of those people who will spend hours reading quotes....funny ones, serious ones, philosophical ones, and downright rude ones. Why not? there is so much truth attached to many of these one-liners. I mean you have got to admire the brilliance and wit of these people. The most inane of things the most common of situations can be brought home by these quotes.
I have spent most of my life collecting these little scraps of experience. Some help me laugh at the turns in my own life and some help me relate to those around me. and well... some of them help liven up a flagging conversation ( read that as put-downs/insults we dish out to friends in the name of humour).
Lately, i have started noticing these "pearls of wisdom" from my friends. The pun on a word, the relay of retorts; absolutely brilliant.
I hope out here to share quotes many of you may have heard or read; and some that may just be corollaries to stuff we already know.
And if no one really reads my blogs, what the heck? Atleast I've built up a good collection of stuff I love reading!
I have spent most of my life collecting these little scraps of experience. Some help me laugh at the turns in my own life and some help me relate to those around me. and well... some of them help liven up a flagging conversation ( read that as put-downs/insults we dish out to friends in the name of humour).
Lately, i have started noticing these "pearls of wisdom" from my friends. The pun on a word, the relay of retorts; absolutely brilliant.
I hope out here to share quotes many of you may have heard or read; and some that may just be corollaries to stuff we already know.
And if no one really reads my blogs, what the heck? Atleast I've built up a good collection of stuff I love reading!
First Step
Its' said that taking the first step is the hardest. And yes, it was. I pondered for ages on whether to write down my thoughts for all to see; or just hold my peace. It wasn't easy becoz we all feel that we have so much to say, but is anyone actually listening?
A friend of mine suggested that i should try blogging.....(That's the revenge he appears to be extracting for hours of voicing my opinions!). I guess he hopes to escape any further assault to his still existing sanity!
So, welcome to my world! A world where friends are few but friendships are strong; where the heart has been battered, but pieced back bit by bit; where there is passion for life and the belief that we all move on....at our own pace.
A friend of mine suggested that i should try blogging.....(That's the revenge he appears to be extracting for hours of voicing my opinions!). I guess he hopes to escape any further assault to his still existing sanity!
So, welcome to my world! A world where friends are few but friendships are strong; where the heart has been battered, but pieced back bit by bit; where there is passion for life and the belief that we all move on....at our own pace.
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